Pakistan – A Day on Twitter

By Awais Masood

@UncleThinkTanki: Right now, con­duct­ing a round-table on ‘The Ben­e­fits of hav­ing both tis­sue rolls and water faucets in Pak­istani Wash­rooms’ with @ColonelStrategicDepth and @AuntieNGO

@ColonelStrategicDeath: @UncleThinkTanki  Strat­e­gy is the main rea­son we sup­port Afghan Tal­iban and do not have square toi­let bowls #Iamthe­Coolest­Wri­ter­In­Pak­istan

@UncleThinkTanki: @AuntieNGO is empha­siz­ing the impor­tance of uphold­ing local tra­di­tions and main­tain­ing lotas in our toi­lets

@ColonelStrategicDeath: As Haber­mas reminds me, one needs to be real­is­tic about mat­ters of nation­al secu­ri­ty and toi­let acces­sories

@JihadiInqilabi: Khi­lafat, Islam, Jihad, Khi­lafat. Democ­ra­cy is kufar

@MunnaHashTagWala: #IWet­My­Pants­Be­cause I drank too much red bull

@AuntieNGO:  Lotas and tis­sue rolls, keep every­one hap­py, funds rolling

@ColonelStrategicDeath: @UncleThinkTanki @AuntieNGO I just remem­bered that sto­ry about the wood­cut­ter and the griz­zly bear

@ComradeInqalabi: Zin­da hay Lenin Zin­da hay, Zin­da hay Stal­in zin­da hay. #vod­kaKa­han­Hay?

@MacWaliBaji: Why wasn’t voy­ager 1 pow­ered by iOS? Yeh zia­dati hay #Steve­Jobs k saath

@MunnaHashTagWala: #IWet­My­Pants­Be­cause I saw a tiger

@BajiCyberFreedom: Youtube khol do! Youtube Khol do #unbanY­outube

@UncleMobileJammer: We are plan­ning to jam cell-phone ser­vices on Valentine’s Day, Hal­loween and NewYear eve as secu­ri­ty mea­sures

@BajiCyberFreedom: @UncleMobileJammer Please open youtube. Youtube khol dain. Plz, plz achay uncle

@MunnaHashTagWala: Come one guys lets trend #IWet­My­Pants­Be­cause

@UncleMobileJammer: Beta, I have been using hotspot shield myself to watch Lady Gaga. Main to chah­ta hoon per boss nahin man­tay.

@BajiCyberFreedom: @UncleMobileJammer Owein, Owein, youtube kholoooooooooooooooo! Main nahin man­ti, Yeh ron­di hay

@TaxMunshi: @UncleMobileJammer Sir I have used grade‑6 alge­bra to sort out the names of tax evaders. Press Release bhaij doon?

@UncleMobileJammer: Shabash bai­ta @TaxMunshi Remind me to take your arrest war­rants back.

@MunnaHashTagWala: #IWet­My­Pants­Be­cause I am 20

@UncleThinkTanki: Sum­ming up the round-table. Will pre­pare a pub­lic pol­i­cy paper on hav­ing lotas, water faucets and tis­sue rolls in all pub­lic toi­lets

@ColonelStrategicDeath: @UncleThinkTanki Please do not for­get to men­tion the dif­fer­ence between good lotas and bad lotas, sor­ry good Tal­iban and bad Tal­iban

@MacWaliBaji: Why didn’t #Steve­Jobs write the Space Shut­tle code

@HeadMaster: I have turned CRUMBS into the best uni­ver­si­ty in Asia. For details, con­tact my sec­re­tary. I am busy tweet­ing

@MianwaliTiger: Imran Khan, Imran Khan, Imran Khan. Tum sab cor­rupt ho

@PhajjayKPayeSocialMedia : Today CM inau­gu­rat­ed the 5^th fly­over at Kalma Chowk to ease traf­fic con­ges­tion caused by sec­ond and 4^th fly­overs #Sher­Avayi­Avay

@DamselinDistress: Why is the world so cru­el? Why is it so cru­el to me?

@FilmiCharsi: Just watched the Godard’s 8349^th film. It’s the best film he ever made.

@ColonelStrategicDeath: Time to do some fir­ing prac­tice with my 9mm.

@MunnaHashTagWala: #IWet­My­Pants­Be­cause I saw @ColonelStrategicDeath with his gun

@ColonelStrategicDeath: @MunnaHashTagWala Son, I am sor­ry to dis­close it to you but you can nev­er get through ISSB with that

@MunnaHashTagWala: #IWet­My­Pants­Be­cause @ColonelStrategicDeath replied to my tweet

@PhajjayKPayeSocialMedia: Lahore Metro Bus Sys­tem will be inau­gu­rat­ed by CM on March 23, 2019. Hats-off to time­ly com­ple­tion #Sher­Avayi­Avay

@MianwaliTiger: @PhajjayKPayeSocialMedia Loot ker kha gaye salay Pak­istan ko. Imran aye ga Pak­istan bachaye ga

@PhajjayKPayeSocialMedia: Abay teri <edit­ed>, Lahore a, tujhay bata­ta hoon, teri <edit­ed>

@MianwaliTiger: @PhajjayKPayeSocialMedia Kia bol­ta hay, Imran Khan teri <edit­ed>

@MianwaliTiger2: @PhajjayKPayeSocialMedia Imran Khan teri <edit­ed>

@MianwaliTiger3: @PhajjayKPayeSocialMedia Imran Khan tujhay<edited>

@MunnaHashTagWala: #IWet­My­Pants­Be­cause It was rain­ing

@MianwaliTiger4: @PhajjayKPayeSocialMedia Imran Khan will <edit­ed>

@JihadiInqilabi: @MianwaliTiger4 @PhajjayKPayeSocialMedia  Khi­lafat, Islam, Jihad, Khi­lafat, Islam

@JihadiInqilabi2: @MianwaliTiger4 @PhajjayKPayeSocialMedia  Khi­lafat lao, mulk bachao, democ­ra­cy is kufr

@DamselinDistress: Yeh duniya itnee zaaal­im kioun hay?????

@FilmiCharsi: Fin­ished watch­ing Godard’s 8350^th film. Its the best film made by Ing­mar Bergman.

@DamselinDistress: Sab Maya hay

@MianwaliTiger: Imran Khan will fix every­thing in 90 min­utes. Jemi­ma still love him. He lives in a wood­en hut and pays $1 bil­lion tax every year. #Inqi­lab

@DamselinDistress: Zinda­gi aik bojh hay, kia fai­da zin­da rehnay ka

@DamselinDistress: soch rahi hoon khud-kushi ker loon

@MianwaliTiger: Imran Khan, Imran Khan #Inqi­lab

@JihadiInqilabi: @MianwaliTiger Khi­lafat, Khi­lafat, Khi­lafat

@MianwaliTiger: @JihadiInqilabi  Imran Khan, Imran Khan #Inqi­lab

@JihadiInqilabi: @MianwaliTiger  Khi­lafat, Khi­lafat, Khi­lafat

@PhajjayKPayeSocialMedia : #Sher­Avayi­Avay Dekho Dekho Kon Aya, Sher aya, Sher aya

@MunnaHashTagWala: #IWet­My­Pants­Be­cause I trend­ed on Twit­ter

@DamselinDistress: Raat ho gay­ee hay, soti hoon.  Kal shop­ping keroon gi, par­ty per jaaon gi. Kit­ni zal­im hay zinda­gi. Nahin rehna mujhay zin­da, Kal har halat main

@MunnaHashTagWala: #IWet­My­Pants­Be­cause I wet my pants

@DamselinDistress: Just for­got, kal to Ams­ter­dam ki flight hay. Hol­i­days! Yaaaaay! Get­ting late. Good night all.

(From The Dis­sec­tion)

(Pub­lished at The Laal­tain — Issue 7)